All growth starts first from failure. This may sound negative, but it’s not. It means that if you fail, you have the capacity to grow by default. The only thing that has zero capacity for growth is something that is perfect. The difficulty arises in the fact that while failure is the starting ingredient of growth, it is also an extremely undesirable state to be in. Everyone wants to grow, but no one wants to experience failure. 

Failure is referentially defined - that is in comparison to something else. If failure is referentially defined, then there is no standard definition. It is entirely dependent on the frame of reference chosen. There are three common frames of reference:

 - this approach makes you externally focused and is the easiest to measure

 - this approach makes you focus on progress, as progress is equated to success

 - this approach makes you internally focused but it’s hard to measure

No frame of reference is superior to any other. Each has its own merits and flaws. The value is in the ability to switch your frame of reference when you need to.

The biggest problem with failure is that it discourages you from trying. The only people who speak openly about their failures are those who have managed to turn them into successes. There is a tolerance for how much failure we can sustain about ourselves before we became discouraged. The ambiguous state of not trying is preferable to the state of confirmed failure. 

For this reason, I advocate being flexible with the frame of reference and to pick the one that is the most likely to encourage you to keep trying. If you compare yourself it to your future self and you feel that you have failed, then it may be to your benefit to actually turn externally and compare against others. Likewise, if you have always compared yourself to others and feel that you have failed, it may be beneficial to turn inward and seek a comparison against your past self. 

In this approach, I am not overly concerned with what is the “truth” but rather what is useful. If failure is referentially defined, then all things are true so it’s not a very helpful approach. Truth is only meaningful for such matters if it also illuminates what is false so that you can pick the right path and ignore the wrong one. But if all things are true, then you’re again at an impasse. The alternative is to focus on what is useful. In the proverbial question of “is the glass half-full or half-empty?”, both statements are true but only one is useful. 

A big part of recovering from failure is finding something you are proud of during the process of failing. Pride is a crucial because failure is ego death. Too much of it and it becomes detrimental to your confidence. And you need confidence in order to try again. 

The something you find to be proud of can be small, but it is almost always built on character rather than results. If you really wanted to win the championship, telling yourself that at least you placed is not very effective consolation. Telling yourself that you put in showed impressive work ethic and played bravely is significantly more effective. You can take pride in the fact that you have proven you are capable of working hard and being brave no matter what the result was. It is a seed you can grow into a future success. 

Flux

Getting Over Failure

Register for complete access